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A gap, inside, where something has been removed.
Most of us don't know what it is, but we try our best to fill it anyway.
A small piece of information is removed from us at birth and we are to be denied it for the duration of our lives. This is what leaves the gap that we insatiably try to fill.
It's quite simple, actually. Just the answers to two questions: Why am I here; where do I go after I die?
Think about it. If you knew the answers to these two questions, you would be content. You would have a purpose and you would know where you are going.
But we will never know the answers to these questions. It is impossible to know for sure. There will always be doubt, no matter what you believe.
This is where all the "hole filling" comes in. Most people don't know what it is that is missing and causing the hole, they are just aware that there is an emptiness, they don't like it and they want it filled. Some of the more common things that are used as fillers are: Material possessions, wealth, power, food (over-eating or over-restricting thereof), friends, status, the list could go on. Each time, they think, "if only I had (insert pointless acquisition here) I would be happy". But each time they find that they aren't happy, the hole is still there. And so they move on to the next thing, in hopes that they will one day find peace.
At some point, most people become more aware of what it is that is missing. This is where religion, philosophy and spiritualism come in. Take your pick of the myriad options available to you in these fields. Each and every option claims to have the answers, but with every answer, comes more questions demanding to be answered. Each line of questioning runs on and on until you inevitably come to the point where there are no more answers, only questions.
So, your options at this point?
1. Accept the fact that you won't know anything until you die and live out the rest of your life patiently, with your eyes open, always searching, despite the endless, unanswerable questions
2. Accept the fact that you won't know anything until you die and kill yourself
3. Develop 'faith' - pick the religion/philosophy/whatever that suits you most and have faith in it, despite the fact that there is no 100% assurance
4. Bury your head nice and snuggly in the sand and keep right on filling that gap with whatever takes your fancy
There are probably many more options, but these are the ones that spring to mind.
Pointless post
I finally got out of the house today cos I had an appointment to see my orthopedic surgeon. He gave me pictures of the inside of my knee (really gross)! I got to go to the shops for a bit too (yay!). I got:
- Tooth whitening kit
- Complete manicure set
- Foot treatment stuff
- 7 day detox program
- Magazines
- Tinned salmon that only has 53 cals per can (it's really weird that that excites me...)
It's exhausting walking on crutches, but I'm so happy; all that stuff should help keep me occupied for the next few days. Plus my friend is coming over tomorrow and bringing 'Across the Universe' for us to watch. I been wanting to see that movie for so long so I can't wait :)
And... I invented a new drink! Mix 2/3 of a cup of S. Pellegrino carbonated water (0cals) with 1/3 of a cup of cranberry juice light (7 cals) and add a couple of ice cubes. It's so yum and it fills you right up and stops hunger pains. You could add some lime or lemon juice if you wanted (or vodka!). That's what I'm gonna ask for next time I go out - vodka lime and soda with a splash of cranberry juice. They use the full sugar cranberry juice in the clubs, but it'll only be a splash so it shouldn't be too bad.
Thats all from me for today!
xxx
Sooty
- Mood:
content
But something new has happened lately. It's like a part of me has split off. Or maybe something else has moved in. I'm not really sure. But whatever it is, this part just hates the rest of me. I've always been hard on myself (and I still am) but this other thing is different. It hovers above all of that other stuff and it is completely out of my control.
It looks out of my eyes and judges the people around me. All these nasty thoughts run through my head. But it's not like I'm thinking them, it's more like I'm listening to someone else's conversation.
It's making me really paranoid too. I can't eat out anymore. I just tried to have a coffee with my mum at this festival thing we went to and I couldn't get past 2 sips cos it told me that I had no way of knowing whether they'd really used skim milk. And even if they had, it's still too many calories. So mum ended up having my coffee too. I don't know why, but this didn't make her the slightest bit suspicious. Normally she'd be worried about why I wasn't drinking it. I lined up to get something to eat, but I just couldn't handle it and I had to walk away. I even feel guilty about having gum now - 5 totally unnecessary calories in each piece.
When I got home, I had to record my two sips of coffee as being half a cup of coffee with full fat milk cos I'm terrified of underestimating my calorie count for the day. I guess I've always done that though - better safe than sorry.
Up until recently, I've been one to restrict moderately and exercise HEAPS. But now every bit of food is a struggle. I should be happy, cos it's got me off my plateau and I'm losing again, but I feel out of control. I love it, but am scared at the same time, if that makes any sense.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:The shins
